This Year's Kiss

I am blatantly ripping off Summer who is ripping off Moxie who ripped off someone I don't read (yet, haha; like I need to add another feed to my Bloglines subscriptions) in the idea of posting the first line of the first post of each month of this year.

1. So I finally did it; created the blog. First post ever. I am glad I started this blog. I used to keep journals but have not done so in a long time. A new persona, a new medium. The anonymity yet blatant-ness of the internet is also a very interesting concept.
   
2. We had birth class reunion on tuesday night. This post is one of the first of many where I talk about meeting other moms, making new friends, and forging new relationships. This year has been pretty positive in that respect, looking back and reading my "documentation," surprisingly so.
   
3. This weekend, Mark, the Manling, and I are flying to Vegas. Was it any surprise this trip was a really bad idea? Bad in my estimation because Vegas is not fun with an infant. It was great to see my parents though, and to reconnect with Dave and Natalie!
   
4. My friend J. just sent the Manling a Nosferatu onesie in honor of the times we would watch the movie or have "theme" nights involving vampires. 2006 was the Year of the Babies. 2005, even though the Manling was out in the world for 3 months, was more the Year of Pregnancy. Jessica had her baby this year, and we rekindled our old friendship as well. I believe this month my post-partum depression was pretty much over and done with, but perhaps April.
   
5. So the Manling is an unbelievably seven months old as of this past week. One of many posts where I talk about the kiddo and his amazing milestones and developments. I took pictures probably 330 or more days this year of him. so few are printed, but I look through the collections all the time and remember silly little things he did, firsts that occurred, and tiny little outfits that are way too small. A child's first year is so awesome in the depth and breadth of the changes. Embryology is probably the only thing more intense!
   
6. Mark has recently gotten to join an elite tier, or so I'll describe it, at work where he is next in line to the throne. Oh, the economic pitfalls of being a single-income family. The elite tier was disbanded since then, and Mark is still not promoted. I honestly didn't think he would be after he told his district manager he wanted to stay at his new store through the relocation, which was followed immediately by the holiday shopping season. He told me that a new store is opening up in January 2007, so staffing should be occurring in the next few weeks. I hope and pray that he gets promoted then, or at least by March. We really need the additional money, and Mark deserves some recognition at work, since he gets so little at home, haha. I know I put probably too much pressure on him to be a great husband and father and help me aroubnd the house. I have to say, though, he does a great job. I hope I express it well enough to him.
   
7. I just added a "Ticker" showing how old the Manling is. This hopefully is not a slippery slope where I turn into one of those forum people with a signature that fills up half my monitor per post with vital stats, icons, tickers and the like. I'm thinking this is just showing myself to be a little more blog-savvy. I say that knowing I still haven't figured out how to add pictures to this thing!
   
8. I really feel terrible that I haven't updated this in forever. The beginning of my second baby obsession as well as increased mobility from the Manling. We also went on vaction this month, which I gave only a very cursory recp, totally omitting the Manling's first demolition derby: "Looook oaught!" I keep meaning to go back and fill in some more details, but I just can't make myself do it.
   
9. The Manling reached the eleventh month yesterday. A far cry from the exuberance of April's monthly letter. I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to ovulate again, and was having a really hard time thinking about ending breastfeeding. I'm glad I reached a compromise that I could live with.
   
10. I haven't posted in awhile... obviously. The one and only post for October. And that despite the momentous occasion of the Manling's first Anniversary of Birth. things were looking down. Waaaay down.
    
11. Looking back over the past few weeks, I think my depression was in part caused by the change in seasons, Mark working too much and thus, no personal time for me, and the advent of the Manling's birthday exascerbating my desire for a child because I love him so and want to replicate that feeling. Still depressed, but taking steps to alleviate the causes of it. My doctor telling me I was definitely not ovulating, and then getting bad test results put me into the worst depression I can remember. I am looking forward to getting more tests next month in the hopes that the results will be better, and that I will be that much closer to having a second child.
    
12. I feel like pointing out that I like to name my post subjects with song titles, especially since I haven't been doing shuffle playlists lately. Medical issues and thoughts on the holiday take up much of this month, but despite Mark working more than he did for the relocation project, I am handling it a lot better.

Looking back, the year wasn't all that bad. I have a lot to be thankful for, in the persons of my son and husband, and I'm making and maintaining more friendships.

I'm listening to music on shuffle and Baby I Love You by the Ramones just came on. That was the recessional song at our wedding. It always makes me smile.

Cool Yule

I'm still bleeding, granted, not heavily, but bleeding nonetheless. Today is the first day of the no-pill week. I don't know what is supposed to happen: will I start withdrawal bleeding soon? I am trying to keep reminding myself to take my prenatal pills still so I will maintain my iron stores. I wonder what my doctor meant when he said I needed to have 3 "good periods" before I could stop taking the pill.

The Denver blizzard of 2006 has kept me trapped inside the house for the last 3 days. Wednesday we got about 24" of snow, totally crapping out any idea of receiving any gifts in time for the over-hyped holiday. Thursday I bundled the Manling up in his winter jacket, hat, and attempted mittens for the 30067th time to no avail. for lack of snowpants (this is Denver: we never need them), I improvised a stay-dry outer layer of 2 garbage bags over his pants and shoes. We made it out the backdoor so I could measure the final snowfall levels and as I was taking the reading, I heard a loud cry behind me; the Manling fell hands- and face-first into a huge snowbank almost as tall as he was. He hated it and so we went inside, not to go back out until today when I made Mark take me to the library and then drive me around the neighborhood so I could get some stimulation.

I have had absolutely no holiday spirit whatsoever this year. I am not a Christian, nor, for that matter, a member of any religion, and I think that the mass-consumerism of the christmas-centric holiday is pretty sick. I do like to celebrate the winter solstice, and I find it very interesting how many cultures celebrate the return of the longer days. I want the Manling to grow up with faith in something, and to feel joy in the celebration of things that are important. This all is a bit of disjointed thought, but bear with me.

Mark and I will put up what is commonly called a Christmas tree, to celebrate the renewal of life. I will not, despite family pressures, allow the Manling, or more to the point, force him, to believe in Santa Claus. I dod not think it is right to tell a child that some omniscient person/figure is watching over their behavior all year, and will reward good actions with tangible gifts. Epecially since most people only emphasize that Santa will not bring gifts to bad kids, and that the threat of no loot is only brought out around December. However, if I could figure out a way to incorporate more of the original source of St Nicholas and his charity into the story, I might consider it. A great post on Ask Moxie recently discussed what to do about the prevalence of Sants for non-christian families. My favorite solution is explaining that Santa is part of a game that Christians play around this time of year.

Today is indeed the solstice, or Yule, and I'm going to try to put on a happy face and enjoy knowing that tomorrow I will see incrementally more sunlight and revel in my husband being off work the next 2 days and try to internalize the joy my wonderful toddler feels when he looks at the lights and ornaments on the tree.

And I will sing, over and over my favorite wintry-themed song:
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo!"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go
Let's look at the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand
Just holding your hand
We're gliding along with bad a song of a wintery fairyland
Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy-cozy are we
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be
Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
There's a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray
It'll be the perfect ending of a perfect day
We'll be singing the songs we love to sing without a single stop
At the fireplace while we watch the chestnuts pop
Pop, pop, pop!
There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy
When they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie
It'll nearly be like a picture print by Currier and Ives
These wonderful things are the things we remember all through our lives
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "Yoo-hoo!"
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go
Let's look at the show
We're riding in a wonderland of snow
Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, it's grand
Just holding your hand
We're gliding along with a song of a wintery fairyland
Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy-cozy are we
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be
Let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two
Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

"Anguish is the following..."

Today one of my friends told me she found out this week that she's pregnant with baby #2. She was using contraceptive gel, so it is a big surprise. She was planning to try for #2 this spring, and is frustrated that she doesn't have these few months of her body back to herself; she was at the tail end of weaning when this happened.

When she told me, I felt like my vision was in a tunnel and I wanted to cry. She knows the whole situation, and I know she wasn't trying to upset me.

I'm still bleeding. Bright red blood, with some major clots. I still don't understand what is happening.

Oh, the irony.

You're Bleeding//Teeth like God's Shoeshine

Today, on day 12 of the pill, I started getting mid--cycle bleeding. A pink tinge, actually. I made Mark get down from the storage closet the pantiliners I haven't had to use since late December 2004. I see from my googling that this is very common, but I can't seem to find anything that explains why it happens.

Yesterday, I got fitted for my mouthguard. This device fits on my lower teeth and will prevent me from clenching my jaw, and will hopefully relax the jaw muscle that bothers me so. I never realized how often I clench my teeth, but Mark says I do it all the time. The dentist said my asymmetrical jaw movement/anatomy combined with the clenching/behavior is what is causing all the jaw pain. He said it's exascerbated by tension. That really made me laugh because this latest bout of chronic pain started in August when we were on vacation, ....with Mark's dad. Need I say more? Anyway, wearing even just for the last 24 hours I can tell a big difference in the way I hold my jaw, and that is exactly what we are intending. I have to wear it non-stop except for drinking and eating for at least the next 3 weeks, and at night thereafter.

Updated Blogroll

I've added a few more good reads... not that anyone actually checks me out.

We're All Mad Here

Just about every day to every other day since I got the results of the TSH test, maybe even the week before at the annual Pap/fisting, I have learned that someone else I read in the blogosphere or know in real life is pregnant, or at least trying.

I dream nearly every night about ovulating or conception. Like 8th grade science filmstrips.

I have been feeling exceptionally tired, and somewhat extreme-lower-abdomen crampy/twingy.

I'm starting to get really frustrated.

Cherry Tree Carol

The Manling turned 1 year, 2 months old a few days ago. Each and every day brings more comprehension and a greater ability to move about. He still only says the word cat, and shrieks for dog, although sometimes he will do the ASL for come/dog. He's pointing at many things however, and has added plants and snow to his obession with lights and switches. Just yesterday, we put up our Holiday Tree, and he stood transfixed by the lights and tinsel. We looked over at a tapping sound to see him banging 2 glass ornaments together. I have found that if I correct his actions the first time he does something I'd prefer him not to, that he will generally not repeat it, and if he does, he will cease and desist upon a reminder. I wish I would have nipped in the bud him pulling down all the dvds on the bookshelf and him crawling into the dog's cage. Walking has improved seven-fold since one week ago exactly, and I expect him to be running and boycotting the stroller y the end of the month.

On my front, I have been taking the pill for 5 days now. It seems like it will be an eternity before these 3 months are up, and I can't even fathom 6 months. It brings to mind the first trimester of pregnancy and how molasses-slow time seemed to go. I read that women with a low Body Mass Index (below 20) often have a hard time conceiving. Mine is 19 or lower, which it was before I was pregnant. Also that low body fat (below 22%) can preclude ovulation or maintaining pregnancy. I would guess mine is around that judging from older info I've gotten from one of those scales that also tells you your body fat, but an estimation I performed said I was about 20 or 21. I am willing to gain some weight, if I can get and stay pregnant. Bring on the Ben and Jerry's! I have been trying to eat more, but I find it difficult to eat when I am depressed. Perhaps the hormones in the pill will pack on some pounds.

So far the only humorous thing about this is that it has helped me decide what I'd like for the Holidays: a ovulation-spit-microscope. I Googled "ovulation saliva microscope" and it returned over 40,00 results! I can only imagine Mark trying to find one. I think I may help him out and lok on eBay.

Questioningly//I Know There's An Answer

I feel like pointing out that I like to name my post subjects with song titles, especially since I haven't been doing shuffle playlists lately.

I talked to my doctor on Wednesday. I was really down in the dumps that day, thinking about all the people I know who are pregnant, especially my cousin who was delivered that day. I waited around for what seemed like forever after leaving my number with his office. When he called, I asked him many of the questions from my last post:

Do you know of any links between breastfeeding and high TSH levels?He said that breastfeeding causes the body to have higher metabolic needs and that can throw you thyroid out of whack. I didn't see anything on the net about this, so I'm not exactly convinced. Mark, on the other hand, knows nothing about this stuff and thinks that anything thet the doctor says is the gospel. I feel like he's not taking my concerns seriously, and that really hurts.
What are the chances that cutting out these 1-2 feedings will make me ovulate? He said that that may just be enough to push my body, but of course, he can't say.
Is the birth control pill we talked about the "mini pill"/progestin-only? Is it triphasic? No. He feels a combination pill will work the best to "choreograph" my hormones, although he did say I could get a low-dose estrogen pill. He prescribed Loestrin, but my insurance covers the generic, Microgestin1/20, which is not triphasic, but only has 20 mcg of ehtinyl estradiol and 1 mg of norethindrone acetate. I have not started taking them yet. I should take a pregnancy test, just in case, tomorrow morning, or maybe this afternoon when Mark gets off work, before I start them. LactMed, the grestest website ever to see whether drugs will interfere with breastfeeding or cross over, says that my milk quality may decline a little, but it appears that the Manling should be safe. I'm just worried about other side effects, like insanity, weight gain, acne, and further loss of libido, since it's actually starting to come back a little now. Thank goodness for Astroglide!
How long will I be on this pill before I can stop taking them and start trying to conceive? He said a minimum of 3 months, with a maximum of 6 months. I need to have 3 regular periods while on the pill. I wonder since that brand is used for shorter, lighter periods, and I typically had short and light periods already, if I will have no period whatsoever. I should probably asked him what regular periods meant. He aslo said I may have some mid-cycle spotting during the first few months. I wonder if that would negate that cycles as a normal one?
If that doesn't work, what is my next step? I didn't ask this. Kinda afraid of the answer.
Should I prescribed thyroid replacement hormone? He said no, not until we hear the next thyroid test results will we even consider treatment. He said he doesn't like to rely on just 1 TSH test. I can be retested in 6-8 weeks, with 8 weeks being preferable. Since that is 2 months away, and I could potentially only be on the pill for 3 months, I decided to go ahead and get the prescription. If I waited to get retested and my thyroid was normal, and I was still not ovulating, I'd have to start the 3 month regimen then so I thought I'd get 2 months out of the way while I wait.
I saw treatment is may not commonly be done for TSH less than 10. He said he felt that 7 was not a high number, and I told him I read on several sites that pregnancy could not be sustained with TSH levels over 1.9. He said he didn't necessarily agree with that, so I have decided to drop it until my next test results were back.
What thyroid test was done in November 2005? What were those results? He did not have my full chart in front of him because he was at the hospital, so he was not sure. I can't find any paperwork from that test. All I know is that at my 6-8 week post-partum check-up, he had felt a potential lump on my thyroid so he had a blood test drawn. It was ok, but I don't know if it was a TSH test or not.
Should I have a thyroid function test (measures T3 and T4)? He said that T3 results can be "variable", so I will have a Free T4 test as well as a repeat of the TSH test. I can even come in and have my blood drawn a few days in advance so at my actual appointment we can look at the results.
Can I also get a thyroid antibodies test? I did not ask. I thought I'd wait to get the results of the above tests done first.
Should I start charting my basal temp.? He said I could. I know that the pill prevents ovulation, so I don't know how charting will help. I'll have to look into that.

Yesterday was interesting because I hosted my first playdate ever. Six moms and kids, ranging from 6 - 16 months came over to my house. I had such anxiety beforehand but it seemed to go pretty well. Two of the moms I had never met, but the presence of the other 4, of which 2 were good friends of mine, really made it easier. And one of the moms I'm hoping will be my friend. She seemed pretty awesome, especially for being 9-1/2 months pregnant. She even breastfed while pregnant up until the 2nd trimester. She crochets, too. She's my hero. Hopefully she liked the Manling and I as well . First dates are always odd.