Five-O Ford

Big post number 50. Whoop-ed-e-doo....

From my reserach so far, I have yet to see a connection between breastfeeding and a high TSH number. Nonetheless, it has now been 8 nights with no mid-night feedings nor any early morning boobathon. The Manling seems to be taking it well. I am a little sad about it. Managably so, however. I have not yet called my doctor because I am compiling a list of questions for him:

• Do you know of any links between breastfeeding and high TSH levels?
• What are the chances that cutting out these 1-2 feedings will make me ovulate?
• Is the birth control you mentioned the "mini-pill" (progesterone only)? How long would I have to be on that before I could stop and start trying to conceive? If that doesn't work, what is my next step?
  
• Should I be prescribed thyroid replacement hormone :levothyroxine sodium (synthroid, levoxyl, levothyroid, unithyroid)? I saw treatment is may not commonly be done for TSH less than 10.
  
• What thyroid test was done in November 2005? What were those results?
• Should I have a thyroid function test (measures T3 and T4)? ("Free T4" measures unattached thyroid hormione in the blood; if "Total T4 then also do a "T3 resin uptake test" for free T3) I read that T4 levels are normal at around 50-165 nmol/L, with best feelings over 110.
  Free T3 (Triiodothyronine) 1.4 - 4.4 pg/ml (less than around 2.3 )
  Free T4 (Thyroxine) 0.8 - 2.0 ng/dl (less than .8 indicates hypothyroidism)
  
• Can I also get a thyroid antibodies (antithyroglobulin and antimicrosomal) test?
• Should I start charting my basal temp?
  

In other news, Luanne is being induced today. As of yet, I have heard no word. Her most recent MySp@ce info says she plans to stay in only one night, and it seems that she thinks it's going to be easy. I don't know if she was given prostaglandin, pitocin, or and epidural, if they stripped her membranes or broke her water, or if she's having a c-section. Being unable to conceive right now really makes this a bit painful for me.

Google University Vs Not Over-reacting

I got my blood work results back today and I've been in a snit ever since. My TSH level is 7.16 H, falling in the "Out of Range" category, with the reference range being 0.40 - 5.5 MU/L. At the bottom of my test result page, my doctor wrote "thyroid looks low," which really freaked me out because I can clearly see that 7.16 is higher than 5.5. So I hopped on the internet and finally found a blurb on an infertility message board that high TSH = low thyroid = high prolactin = no ovulation = no conception. I became immediately depresed and started crying. Mark said I was over-reacting and if something was wrong that my doctor would've called me. I can't quite find numbers that say over such-and-such a range you won't ovulate, but I'm still a little concerned about being potentially hypothyroidal (is that even a word?). Then again, I saw someone say their TSH number was like 96. I need to do a lot more research before the office opens on Monday. I went to the library and checked out The Thyroid Sourcebook for Women, and I will be poring over that as well as Google University. Mark is really non-plussed and I'm pretty upset with him for not being more sympathetic. I know I have such a Cassandra attitude, but I like to be prepared for the worst so the good stuff is a pleasant surprise.

Thanklessgiving

My dad didn't make the effort again this Thanksgiving to call. I think he still might be offended/hurt/whatever over the Baby Shower Incident. Hmm, I see I didn't write about that. The gist of the matter is that Luanne's mom was throwing her a baby shower in Ohio, where most of our family lives. I thought I'd go, thinking I could visit my dad, and introduce the Manling to my grandmother and other family members who hadn't met him yet, as well as my dad's new (3rd) wife. He lost his license from a DUI and still doesn't have it back, yet drives all over the place anyway. I tell him off about that. When his 2nd wife left him, he lost his shit, and lost his job, then lost his license. I was a little surprised since about 5-10 years ago he said he was an alcoholic and stopped drinking. I don't know when he started again. Anyway, so he had no job and no license, but a nice drinking problem. He eventually got a judge to let him drive soley to find emplyment. But he drove everywhere all the time. And still drank and drove. He either couldn't get or wouldn't take even the lowliest of jobs, and had cashed out retirement to live off of. He finally, after at least 18 months, started working for his sister.

Anyway, back to the shower... he dropped the new wife off, and drove off to do errands. She barely said anything to me, but I was with my mom and other aunts, and I wasn't expecting to get to really know her. She made absolutely no effort, but I hear she's shy. Whatever. He came back, and started drinking beers on the porch with her as the shower wrapped up. My mom and Vidalias joined them, and when my dad ran out of his brand of beer, he drove off to get more. I was pissed. I had planned to have my mom drop the Manling and I off at his place afterwards, but he was so drunk that I scrapped that idea and went to dinner with my mom and some other family. I left the diaper bag there and had to come back. He had the nerve to ask why I was going to dinner with them. I actually was so livid that I told him that it was because he had made a series of poor decisions that day, and that it was because he was stinking of smoke; he tried to hug me while holding a cigarette. I was so hurt on the inside, though. I could not believe that he couldn't or wouldn't stay sober even one evening so he cold hang out with his daughter and grandson. I still feel so raw inside over that, and I feel bad for the Manling that he won't have a good relationship with his grandfather. I sent him and the wife a thank you note for the gift for the Manling's birthday, and repeated that I didn't like to see him, or her to allow him, to drink and drive. I didn't mention how hurt I felt; I should have. I keep making excuses like maybe he felt awkward being around me, and other things. It just makes me feel so small and insignificant that my father would choose alcohol over me. I hate him for that.

Another major thing that annoyed me this Thanksgiving was that Mark's dad didn't call us either. Mark called him after we left dinner at a friend's house. His new girlfriend answered the phone; he was out at the store. Mark has never met her, our spoken to her, and she immediately asked Mark if he could get her a discount on an mp3 player. Apparently, she's a lawyer, and has a duaghter at some really expensive college, but the girlfriend has recently gotten a part-time job at a department store. We have no idea what kind of lawyer would need a part-time job, or a discount on an mp3 player. Mark's dad asked Mark what we wanted for Christmas. Mark kind of blew him off. After 4 years of marriage and 6 years of being together, that man has gotten me one Christmas present ever. And no birthday presents. Now that I think about it, maybe that's why the Manling didn't even get a card; maybe just just doesn't do birthdays. I have a lot more irritation about him, but I'm moving on.

My 3rd most annoying thing involved Luanne and Thanksgiving. Being her and her husband's only family out here, I assumed ( and yes I know what assuming does) that she would want to get together for the holiday. Why, oh why, do I continue to labor under that delusion? I asked her their plans and she said that her husband wanted a turkey and so they were making one. That's it. Nothing like you guys should come up, or we should come down. Just that. Irritating. I will not make the same mistake for Christmas.

The last bit of holiday scroogedom I will share, at least until the Winter Solstice, is that Mark had to go to bed around 6pm on Thanksgiving because he had to work at 4am. And of course the Manling wouldn't go to sleep until around 10pm, thereby throwing off his whole schedule Friday.

Grumble grumble.

Common People

This past week I have grabbed the bull by the horns and tried to come out of my comfort zone and meet people. First, on Friday, I went to a Highlands Mommies playgroup hosted by a lady who I had actually met a few months ago at a free baby-gym thing. I haven't done any HM playgroups before, and I was a little leery, but I gave it a shot. The hostess is really nice and just moved here in 2005 from Florida, and her daughter is 16 months old.

I felt kind of like an ass because I sent her an email after reading her story in Parents/Parenting, I forget which.... In it, I asked her if the subgrup she and I both belong to were meeting at the park still since I felt awkward attending a playgroup at someone's house I'd never met. Plus I wanted to let her know I read her story in the magazine and empathized with the situation. Anyway, she emailed me back and was really nice and said she was a newer member of the subgroup so I shouldn't feel too weird. then later that week or so posted that she was having this playgroup. I figured now or never and did it.

In this past year, her house got demolished by a hurricane, her daughter was born, the family lost their health insurance and got royally screwed by the insurance industry, they moved to Denver, and remodeled their house. Holy cow! The house is amazing, even though it's right on the busiest arterial in NW Denver. It was within walking distance though so the Manling and I took BOB out for a stroll.

There were 5 kids, 2 girls and 3 boys, at the playgroup all told, and 4 moms, including myself and the hostess. The other kids were all 13-14 months, and I think the Manling was one if not the only beginning walker. I know 2 others were walking well and I can't remember. the other kids. The other moms were nice, too, but they seemed much older and I didn't feel I was making any repeat friendships. One mom who seemed promising left early and the 2 moms that were left were a little intimidating for me. Career women. And one was pregnant again. They didn't seem fun though. Hopefully my hostess connection thought I passed muster!.

I think that's probably my biggest hurdle as a mom: making mom friends who I'd like to hang out with. My friend Sarah, who of course lives on the east coast and not here has a 3yr old and she said she never really gets to pick her friends anymore based on her interests: she only gets to meet moms who have kids the same age as her son. Very depressing. But I think she lives in a small town versus the thriving metropolis of Denver.

On Monday after the worst night of the Manling NOT sleeping ever, I went to another sort of playdate at the Cherry Creek mall germpit, I mean breakfast food play area. That one was the 2nd ever SAHM portion of the Denver stitchandbitch yahoo group. I was an hour late, and the Manling had never been to the germ pit before plus he's still not a pro at walking so I spent all of my time with him. I only saw one other lady who had yarn/knitting, and I coudn't overcome my shyness and talk to her. I just lurk over there at that group, but mostly because I always have the Manling and Mark is working during their weekly stitch and bitch sessions.

It's a start.

Food, Sex, and Ewe

To follow up on the long-promised breastfeeding/weaning/whatnot post:

I had a very interesting Tuesday last week. In the morning I had my first non-baby related Pap/gyno appointment since December of 2004. And by myself! I asked my doctor, who is also the Manling's pediatrician, my obstetrician, and Mark's general doctor about my amenorrhea, a condition that in the past I have indeed felt like "Amen" about, haha. This time I know it's because I'm breastfeeding.

I told my doc that I really want another child. He told me a few things:

• I could possibly, but probably not, have a thyroid problem or something wrong that makes me not ovulate. So they drew blood, and now that I think about it, I haven't heard anything back. He said I needed my cholesterol numbers anyway. I thought: "you know I couldn't give a rat's ass about my cholesterol right now," but I digress.
• From the look and feel of the environment in my vag (to avoid "prono" Google results) that it's very very very unlikely I'm ovulating now.
• We can "force Nature's hand" as he said by prescribing birth control pills for a few months to get my hormones back into line. This idea I'm not so keen on because the last thing I want is synthetic hormones in my body (or in the Manling's) as well as contraception.
• He said that I probably need to stop breastfeeding altogether if I want ot regain my fertility.
  

I have numerous problems with that. At 14 months, give or take a week or so, the Manling
is a great eater. He eats almost everything you put in front of him. He doesn't seem to like peaches, but that's about it. Recently, he's been unhappy if I try to feed him purees, and likes to eat more solid, grown up foods. He breastfeeds only about 3 times a day, sometimes 4. Typically, a wake-up session around 5 or 6am, where we bring him to our bed, after which he returns to his crib. Then, before napping a short time, and as of these last 2 weeks or so, naps are down to one long power nap of about 2 to 3-1/2 hours around 1pm. At bedtime, which is around 8-9pm, he'll nurse anywhere from a minute to 30 minutes until he's drowsy. Other than that, unless he's hurt physically or upset emotionally or something unconsolable by other methods, he'll pop on for a very short time. So there's a huge break at night of at least 8 hours nightly.

I don't know if I should go to a LLL meeting and ask them; I've read a bunch of their books but none of them really address not ovulating AND trying to get pregnant. I'm fully prepared to nurse while pregnant, and am thinking that I might hope for a beginning of weaning around 21 months at the earliest. I'm afraid that if I wean the Manling that I won't get my fertility back right away, anyway. Other than Mark's wish for massive amounts of "buckle-rubbin'," I am in desparate need of advice, suggestions, and understanding. I'm just so frustrated and everyone I've talked to says blithely, "just wean the Manling." People, it's just not that easy!

So, A Needle Pulling Thread...

Oh, I forgot to mention that I've been doing a little sewing lately, to give my crochet hands a rest. I thinkI'm getting arthritis in my not so young age. I used the Jan Andrea directions to make myself not one, but 2 ring slings! First I went to my local tack shop where the nice redneck, oh I guess he was a cowboy, not a redneck, gave me 4 rings for free, andI got to buy my froufrou dogfood there, and the cuteLab puppy there kissed the Manling all over his face and I didn't even mind. Then I discovered I had more than enough fabric to begin, using two fairly substantial cottons or woven fabrics(maybe one was a twill?) . I then had to learn how to make a French seam because I had a bit too little of the lining (red cherry print) to match the outer black&white cherry print - might as well go rockabilly-hippie, eh? The French seam took me about an hour and I even had to use my ultimate nemesis of small appliances - the iron. Next I sewed and sewed and pleated and sewed and finally assembled the damn thing with the rings only to discover the 30" wide, now 2-ply fabric was waaaay to thick to overlap and sew on my machine. I hand sewed in the rings. Total time was about 8 hours. I put it on, only to discover the rings are too small in diameter to truly adjust the sling so I have to rip out the whole area, get new ones and re-do. Ugh. It seemed pretty comfortable though. I just will procrastinate until forever.

I had 2 rings left and decided to make another sling for in the meantime (plus my stroller had a flat tire) using this thinner definitely non-natural fiber crazy print that screeeeams "hippie". This sling would also be reversable but no French seam was needed, although I did cut the fabric in half prematurely so I had to sew all 4 sides like 8 times instead of just 3 sides and flip it right side out. Sew and sew and pleat and once again handsew in the rings. Total time about 2 hours including handsewing. This one is not so comfortable feeling but can be adjusted. Sigh.

I think I'm an idiot for waiting so long to try to sling the Manling. My friend Jessica has been slinging her 2 month old baby since birth and has made several of the Jan Andrea slings, so I think it'd probably have been easier if I started when he was a tiny 6 pounder. He's only 20 lbs but I walked to the library with him in the 2nd sling and my shoulder and neck felt like hell. I even trouble-shot my positioning over at the babywearer site before I left and I don't know what's wrong.The Manling loved being able to see and communicate with me more than just cruising passively in the stroller though, so I'd like to try again.

And She Was

Looking back over the past few weeks, I think my depression was in part caused by the change in seasons, Mark working too much and thus, no personal time for me, and the advent of the Manling's birthday exascerbating my desire for a child because I love him so and want to replicate that feeling. Maybe replicate isn't the right word, I want another child because I love the Manling so much and I want more kids to love in the same way. I think that's more expressive of my feelings. Plus, I want him to have hopefully comrades to share familiy memories with. I feel much better, by the way. I also am feeling a little different in the nether regions, so maybe the "Long Winter" is receding and the "Fertile Spring" will soon be here.

Before I move on to more serious issues, some random thoughts:

• Why doesn't Jeff from the Wiggles have eyebrows?
• I finally got my ticket to the Decemberists!!!

The Manling is 13 months old today. He is such a darling boy; I am so lucky to have him. Truly. His latest hijinks include hugging and kissing people, pets, and stuffed animals; slapping them in the head is so September 2006. His vocabulary consists of only 1 word now: "gaaaaaahht" which he chants over and over at the resident felines. He no longer says "mama" or "dada", and said "doh" (dog) twice one day, never to be repeated. My theory is that he has a checklist of words, and once he knows them, he checks them off the list and moves along. Hopefully, that is. (But he did do something similar with rolling over.) I also worry that maybe I don't talk enough to him and that it's retarding his language ability. In late September, he only just started pointing, albeit with a whole hand. Since his birthday, he has started pointing with just his index finger. And of course, I read somewhere that the earlier children point, the better they are with reading/writing/language comprehension at school age. Arrrrgh! But back to more achievements.

A few days after his birthday, I was looking at board books in the bookstore while Mark kept his eye on him. A few minutes later, Mark came rushing over with the news that the Manling stood up by himself from the floor without the help of furniture of any kind. He was so proud of himself, and all throughout the month would stand up and throw his arms up in the air, accompanied by an enormous grin, looking much like a gymnast dismounting from the uneven bars. Very funny to watch. Within the past 2 weeks, he went from just standing between our legs while we held onto his hands, to cruising rather quickly with only 1 hand being held. I suspect the days of upright moblity are drawing near.

Sleeping has been literally a dream this past month. There were only a few nights when he woke up in the middle of the night, and his bedtime, especially since the end of Daylight Savings, has crept closer to 7pm, with his initial wake-up time between 5 and 6:30am, followed by a nosh in bed, then sleeping until 8 or 9am. We are finally well-rested. I think it's too good to last and foresee the learning to walk stage interrupting this pattern.

I'm running out of time, but will talk more next time about breastfeeding, weaning, and the like.