Over?

I think it's all over. Cramps; bleeding. I want to die but have to keep up a pretense amongst all these relatives that all is well.

Misread

I was wrong. Fooled again. I must be one of those women who doesn't have a detectable level of hcg in early pregnancy. The Manling's first test also gave a BFN; this time, however, I was convinced that I was not pregnant. But it appears that I am. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Mark claims that he had been surprised the first test was negative, because he was convinced I was pregnant, in part because I've gotten nastily sick again (head cold vs last time was a wicked awful stomach virus.) I was a bit suspicious myself because 2 days after we did the deed, I had weird crampy feelings for 2 full days, which must have been implantation. I don't remember feeling those the last time, but I also wasn't as in tune with my body as I am now. Those 2 days I also had a significant dip in my bbt, and I wondered then what was going on.

I'm about 5 weeks along now (day36 of the cycle), and the only things I have noticed is that my boobs don't hurt, but I do have a weird sensation (not cramps, not pain, just different) down below. I haven't gotten the metallicy taste in my mouth like last time either, although I can't really taste anything currently which I blame being sick for. I'm also getting tired at night fairly early (10-11pm vs normally 12-1).

I'm so looking forward to our vacation, and going to NYC. I don't think I'm going to tell my mom, or many people (if any) because it is so early and I know that thyroid issues often lead to miscarriage if your TSH is not between 1-2. Sadly, mine is not. I am waiting until after we get back from vacation to schedule a doctor appointment. I need to go in for more bloodwork around June 15th, and my doctor had said at my last appointment that if I was pregnant (which I was!) that it would be ok to wait until then to do the bloodwork. So hopefully nothing is wrong, I'll still be pregnant, and my thyroid will be working. I am crossing every appendage that I have.

In other news, we decided to keep Pepper and get her some shock-collar training. We are having a consultation with some trainers when we get from vacation.

And a request for any readers I may have: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ON MY MYSPACE PAGE ABOUT MY NEWS. My mom and Luanne both check it and I don't want them to know yet.

No Home, No Place To Pillow My Head

CD28 was yesterday and I decided to take a test, which would make me around 10+ days past ovulation. It was negative. I didn't use my First morning urine though, so there is a slight glimmer of hope, combined with me remembering that the first test I took with the Manling was also negative. Back then I wasn't charting, looking at cervical mucus or anything back then so it was a crap shoot. I just thought it was time. Luckily, we had hit the jackpot. This time I doubt it. I think I will just wait until the bleeding begins. What really annoys me, besides not being pregnant, is that although I can go whoop it up in NYC on our vacation, my prime fertile days will most likely also occur during the vacation.

We still haven't found a home for Pepper, although Mark says his friend's friend is very interested. I hope so. If not, we most likely will be taking her to the local no-kill shelter, but then we'll never know what happens to her. I met with the director who said that being a biter won't be bad for her chances of being adopted but that she can't go to a family with small children. She said that the other shelters in the area will euthanize her due to her biting. I hope this guy works out. He's a single guy who lives with his brother so no kids in the picture. I put up an ad on my local mom's list as well as on cr.aigslist and from the latter I have gotten 2 hater emails saying that it's all the Manling's fault. I hope those people burn in a towering inferno here on earth. Seriously, I hate people like that.

I also picked up a sinus infection yesterday and feel completely gross today. Despite using the generic suda.phed and the lotion-y tissues, my snot keeps pouring out and my nose is bright red.

The only positive thing in the last few days is that I found, bought, and received this awesome swallow necklace from Etsy. It's 2 lucite swallows connected at the beak hanging from a basic black cord. I love it. I love the one- or few-of-a-kind things you can find on there. A few months ago I bought this rad shirt showing a tattoo-flash devil woman breastfeeding.

Mother Heroic

I haven't been spending as much time on-line anymore. The warming spring weather and the antics of the Manling have kept me busy, and mentally and emotionally I've been feeling better.

There has been absolutely no progress on finding a new home for the dog. The longer she's with us I know it will be harder to maintain the will to give her away, but the thought of an unblemished Manling keeps the search going. We're facing up to potentially relinquishing her to a shelter, so I've started loking into local no-kill shelters. I want to make sure that her toys, bones, bed, crate, etc go with her to her new home but i don't know how logistically that works.

The Manling is a mischievous, fun-loving kid. He's sleeping regularly again, with middle of the night awakenings happening only 1-2x a week. He's still not talking very much, but has over 75 signs, and will make 2-3 sign sentences. He is big into categorizing things by shape, color, sound, gender, age, or unknown categories. We started instituting time outs in the last month as he had a biting problem, but within a few days that was addressed. Now we use them when he's really nuts, but generally he's well behaved unless he's hungry or tired or over-stimulated. We've been taking him to the playground a lot and he loves to climb up on the equipment, but unlike most other kids his age, he won't sit down to go down the slide by himself. Once you start him, he loves it, though. I can't remember when he started imaginative play like feeding his baby (a small bear) or putting his frog on his potty but I think it was in April. He loves to help us do projects; he will dig or sweep or rake in the garden/backyard, and he really likes to help Mark use tools. Anything needed to have a screwdriver applied to it, he's your Manling!

I went back to the doctor last week and got my new thyroid numbers. My T$ number I have forgotten to look at, but my TSH was at .05, which is more hyperthyroidic than last time despite the lowered dosage. My doctor said I should go off of the meds and we talked a lot about cervical mucus and ovulation, both of which I think I'm getting/doing. I of course forgot to bring my charts with me. I definitely am feeling more awake and less fatigued, but my hearing is still shot. He said I must start using nasal irrigation to try to unclog that duct. I haven't started, but I really would like to hear again.

I'm nearing the end of a 2ww, but am refusing to pee on a stick until Tuesday which will bring me up to 14 days. I'm not very optimistic about the results being positive, but there is a small chance we'll see the double lines.

People are starting to deliver the babies that got pregnant when I started trying. Others are just starting to be obviously pregnant. It's very frustrating. I'm so happy to have one totally rad little boy though. He makes me feel so great everyday, not just today on Mother's Day.