Pretty Vacant

I haven't posted in awhile... obviously. I haven't really felt like it, although I've made several beginnings of posts in my head.

The birthday of the Manling was pretty anticlimactic. I decided not to throw a party since Mark had been working 6 days a week for the past few weeks until his store relocation-thing was complete. I was really burnt out. In addition to the normal "retail widow" syndrome, I was starting to feel like a single mom. I couldn't stomach getting the house ready, plus food, invitations, etc., by myself. Mark actually had to work all day on the Manling's birthday. Then 2 days later was our 4th anniversary. Mark also had to work all day that day.

Then at last the relocation project was complete and Mark had that Friday and Saturday off. Hurrah!!!! I got the Manling a cake (rom the local chain grocery store since they sent me a postcard to get a free one and since I was not inclined to make one and decorate it myself, it was very convenient. Tasty, too, as I've spent the last week eating the entire thing myself) and we lit the candles, sang the requisite song and let him dig in. The Manling was non-plussed by the cake and touched it once or twice but didn't tear into it. i think that the whole "1st birthday tearing into a cake" thing is yet another myth. We also opened gifts. We, meaning Mark and I, since the Manling there again didn't care about ripping open the presents.

I am very hurt and disappointed with Mark's father, because he didn't call or send even a card. This really didn't surprise me, but I thought that he might. I guess it's not so bad that we live so far away.

The only activity that we did to celebrate either our aniversary or the Manling's birthday was to go to the corn maze at the Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield. We went during the day, so it was fun, but not spooky, and we got lost. I took some very cute pictures of Mark and the Manling and I'm thinking of having some blown up.

Mark and I didn't exchange gifts because we are on a pretty tight budget, but ended up getting really expensive things anyway. I got a new computer tower since ours self-destructed. We lost tons of files including wedding things and all the music I'd been downloading for months. Luckily, the Manling's pictures were not lost - the only non-replaceable things. Mark got a 30-ought-6 rifle and all sorts of hunting supplies. He's going elk and mule deer hunting this weekend and will be gone for 4 long days. And he wants to take my car. I am less than pleased but I know he really enjoys hunting and has been working really long and hard so what can I say. He'll be camping at high-altitude at low temperatures so I hope he doesn't freeze.

I only wish I had something fun to do in the near future. I've started feeling really despondent again about my lack of close friends. I read recently about the concept of "air family," or those people who are your "friends" via proximity, like at work or something. I feel like most of the people I know are air family and that I don't really have an outlet to talk about my feelings or to do fun things with. I am trying to expand my comfort zone in an attempt to make new friends and to forge deeper relationships with people I already know, but it's tough. And with the winter season coming up, I am worried about becoming more and more isolated.

I love my husband and my son but it just isn't enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I only want another baby so much because I'd have another little person in my life that I could love. I hope that's not an underlying reason. I really want The Manling to have a sibling or 2 or 3 that he is close in age and in relationship with; for him more than me. I think the depression I'm having about friends and closeness is feeding into the depression I'm feeling about the lack of libido, the lack of pregnancy, etc and is exascerbating it all. My Seasonal Affective Disorder is flaring up again as well. I've seriously been considering starting therapy.