I go see the doctor on Tuesday for what I'm guess will be bloodwork for my thyroid as well as beta hcg numbers, and then perhaps an ultrasound. I'm trying to stay positive, that there might be a chance I'm still growing a baby, but
nothing this time is similar to my last pregnancy, other than getting a negative test first. Last time I immediately had a weird metallic taste in my mouth, my boobs felt weird, I got morning sickness/nausea around now, and most importantly,
no bleeding.
We are finally back home from what Joe called our Bataan Death March rather than a vacation. All in all, I had a really great time, if I completely ignore this miscarriage thing. We spent 2 days on the farm at the hatchery, and we were even there for a hatch. The Manling was unsure what to think of all those baby chickens, then finally decided to hold them, which meant squeezing their necks very hard until they were liberated by one of us. It was really nice to see Mark's aunt and uncle and brother. I know Mark really wants to move back to the farm. I just wish it wasn't so isolated for my immediate daily needs, like friends and libraries etc. The farm is where I first started bleeding; luckily we hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant, but unluckily, I just had to smile and pretend nothing was happening.
We next went to see my parents who graciously took the Manling for the weekend while Mark and I went to visit his brother in Manhattan!!!! Apparently the Manling had a terrific time with his cousins and all of their assorted tractors, four-wheelers, and the like, as well as the toddler-sized car my parents bought for him. They were all amazed at his sign-language, but I think they felt like it is delaying his speech. Speaking of which, the Manling has started vocalizing 10x what he had been over the past few weeks. He's hardly ever quiet now.
New York City was the best! We took the bus there to avoid parking hassles and met up with Grant, Mark's brother. He was able to get us tickets to see the opening night of his ballet. Unfortunately, the part that he switches off with another dancer was danced by that other guy that night, so we only got to see him in 2 smaller roles. It was still awesome though because I had never been to Lincoln Center, and this was a world premiere of the ballet. Before the show we ate at this great Italian restaurant near Times Square which was very reasonably priced, had delicious food, but had an arctic blast of air on us. I thought I was over-reacting until Mark's food came and the steam was literally blown sideways from this blast. Grant lives up in Harlem, and has a terrific studio apartment. Sleeping there was quieter than sleeping here in Denver! The next day we traipsed all over lower Manhattan from Washington Square down to Battery Park. We must've hit over 25 shops and locations I had painstakingly mapped out, from yarn stores to Jack Spade to historical sites to Ground Zero. It was amazing to see so many things. It makes me realize how provincial Denver is for a big city, yet the cleanliness and charm of Denver have a big pull for me. After the performance Saturday night, we met up with Grant and his girlfriend Ashley and then met other ballet dancers as well as one of Mark's friends who just moved from Denver to NYC a few months ago at a bar, where Mark and his friend looked "morbidly obese" as I put it around all these dancers. Even I felt fat. I had 1 beer there to take the edge of my aching legs and my mind off the continued bleeding. The next day the 3 of us went to Rockefeller Center and the MoMA store before getting back on the bus. I was so happy to see the Manling, and even happier to hear he was extraordinarily well-behaved while we were gone.
We spent the next day with my mom because it was her birthday then drove to Harrisburg to see Mark's dad and sister, and her boyfriend. We spent the next day with them and it was probably the most pleasant time I have spent around Mark's dad who usually drives me nuts.
Wednesday we stopped off at IKEA before heading to the airport and then realized we were horribly late for our flight. That is, until we got on the plane and they announced we were going to be delayed due to high winds in Denver. We were delayed about 3 hours total both in Philly as well as on the tarmac in Denver, until we finally got home. The Manling was very well-behaved through-out, luckily.
I must say, each day I appreciate and fall in love with that little guy more and more. Which is kind of making it harder to cope with the lost possibilities that this child would have been like. I really just don't
feel pregnant. Deep down I feel like it's over; I want to stay positive but I just can't. This not knowing is killing me, and I'm just very very unhappy.
And in other news, Mark just found out that in the 9 days we were gone on vacation, his big box retailer has fucked him over again: they posted a store manager position, interviewed for it, and filled it. These things never happen this quickly. One of his friends got it, so there's hope he can go to this new store as an assistant and hopefully leave this hellhole he gambled to go to and lost. I know he's feeling very betrayed and angry right now, and I am too. This is yet another hurdle placed in front of our financial stability. And yet another weight on my perilously burdened mental state.
