Poltergeists and Other Monsters

I had to wait until evening to play CSI:Feline. As a side note, if I was a CSI, I'd definietely want to be Marg Helgenberger. I've loved her ever since she was KC Koloski, the amiable but tough whore on China Beach. Evening fell, and I got out the old blacklight recommended to me by those experts at my local big box home improvement store. I scanned every square inch of the office and our bedroom only to find....

Nothing.

Some quick googling led me to discover that not all blacklights are created equal. I, of course, had gotten the "cheap, novelty" kind. That explained why nothing at all really glowed - not cat pee, not white t-shirts, nothing of any day-glo emanations.

In the meantime, the smell of cat pee had been replaced by the smell of fresh paint since I had finished painting the trim so I could hang the new blinds up to regain some semblance of privacy in the bedroom.

The next day, I returned the 2 non-recommended odor removers and the cheap bulb and headed off to my local pet-crap-o-rama big box retailer where I purchased a UV black light for the princely sum of $20. Which reminds me, those "experts" told me at the other place that I didn't need a UV light, and that only medical supply stores sold UV lights. Did I mention the pet place is right next door to the home improvement place?

Evening finally rolled around, and Mark and I took turns being Marg and Gary "Warrick" Dourdan. Once again, we found zero evidence of any cat malfeasance.

Mark is of the impression that there truly is no cat pee. I cannot bring myself to accept that conclusion despite no evidence to the contrary. I smelled something. He smelled something. In 2 separate rooms separated by different floors. I also cannot bring myself to return the $30-some dollars worth of odor detectors/removers because I am convinced that once I do, the smell will come back.

The only good thing to come of this episode is that we are painting the bedroom finally! I've only been wanting to do this for the past 4 years. Other good home improvement project news: the stonework in the front of the house is 95% complete. Only a few more of the capstones need to be glued into place. Mark was taking some trash to the dumpster earlier this week and some neighbors who live on the opposite side of the alley complimented the yardwork we've been doing and asked him when we'd moved in. I think Mark mumbled something about living here for a while. Pure comedy. The other good news is that when my parents come to visit later this month, they're bringing my 14 yr old nephew M, who apparently loves to do chores for cash. We've been concocting all sorts of things for him to do.



I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but Mark is vy terrified of spiders. So much so that Luanne got him this as a gag/real gift this past winter holiday. I don't mind them until they reach a combined leg/body size of a quarter; then even I reach for the bug gun. Earlier this week, one of those behemoths home-invaded our bedroom (earlier that the cat pee episode). Mark ran for the gun and threw it at me. I sucked up the monster, and encapsulated him in the see-through container. He's been living on our dining room table; I'm surprised he's lasted so long; most of them die after a day or so. His longevity and resilience so far makes me glad I didn't put him outside like we do to the smaller folk. He's kind of like Shelob in Lord of the Rings!

I'm going to attempt to revamp the shuffle playlist and see if I can come up with some topical recommendations:

• Honky Cat - Elton John
• Lovecats - the Cure
  
• Piss Up A Rope - Ween
• The Stench of Piss - Pro-pain
  
• Blacklight - Misfits
• Red Paint - the Promise Ring
• You Blister My Paint - Screeching Weasel
• Waste of Paint - Bright Eyes
  
• Here Comes the Neighborhood - NOfX
  
• Buggin Out - A Tribe Called Quest
  
• Spider - They Might Be Giants
• I Whupped Spiderman's Ass - Wesley Willis (check this out for a chance to create your own Wesley Willis song!)